Man, this is a tough concept. I spent so much of my life trying to control people—my family, my children, my romantic relationships—hoping they would treat me the way I wanted, the way I thought I deserved. I wanted them to make better choices, to prioritize me, to love me in the ways I longed for. And to be transparent, a lot of that came from my own wounds. When you grow up in dysfunction—without structure, consistency, or the affirmation every child needs, it’s easy to spend adulthood trying to force those things into place. You end up demanding the security and validation you never received, often to the point of control. But here’s what I learned the hard way: Control is an illusion.
Trying to control others is not only exhausting, but it’s also a form of manipulation. And in the eyes of God, manipulation is dangerously close to witchcraft. Yeah, you read that right—but hear me out.
1 Samuel 15:23 says, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.” This comparison highlights the serious nature of rebellion in God’s eyes. Witchcraft, at its core, involves the use of manipulation and control to influence others or bend circumstances to one’s will. In the same way, when we attempt to manipulate others, whether by force, persuasion, or control, we are rebelling against the natural order God established.
God has given us free will to make choices, and just as He never forces us into His will, we are called to honor the autonomy of others. To try to manipulate someone’s will is to take the place of God and seek control over what He has left in the hands of individuals. Even in the most important matter of salvation, God does not coerce us but offers us the choice.
As Deuteronomy 30:19 states, “I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life.” Just as God respects our choices, we are called to respect the choices of others, rejecting manipulation in favor of love, patience, and genuine invitation.
Why We Need to Let People Do What They’d Rather Do:
1. It reveals their true intentions.
Actions speak louder than words. When you stop trying to control people, you allow them to show you who they really are. If someone repeatedly prioritizes other things over you, that’s an answer in itself.
2. We were never meant to control others.
The desire to control often comes from fear—fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of being unworthy. But we’re not called to operate in fear; we’re called to trust God. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
3. We don’t know God’s plan for them.
What if what we think is best for someone isn’t what God has for them? Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” When we release control, we make room for God to work in their lives in His way, not ours.
4. It frees us from unnecessary frustration.
How much peace do we lose trying to force people to be what we want them to be? When we accept that we can’t change others, we reclaim our peace. Jesus said in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
5. It helps us invest in the right relationships.
A wise friend once told me, “Invest in people who invest in you.” I'm not talking about serving others who can't serve us; I'm saying we should prioritize pouring into relationships with people who actually desire our presence. If you’re dating someone who never calls or makes an effort, they’re showing you where you stand. If a friendship feels one-sided, acknowledge it for what it is. Of course, there are always exceptions—sometimes people are going through tough seasons—but let’s stop making excuses for patterns that don’t change.
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care
Does this mean we should stop caring about people? No. Does it mean we should give up on those we love? Not necessarily. But it does mean we should stop forcing relationships that aren’t meant to be. It means accepting the reality of what people show us, rather than holding onto an idea of who we wish they were.
At the end of the day, our job isn’t to change people. Our job is to love them, pray for them, and trust that God is working in ways we can’t always see. And in the process, we’ll find more peace, more freedom, and more clarity about the relationships that truly matter.
So let’s release the need to control and trust that, when we let people do what they would rather do, God will always take care of us in the process.
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